The Psychology of Social Exclusion: Why It Hurts and How to Heal

What is Social exclusion?

Social exclusion happens when you have been sidelined by a group because they feel like they have something in common that you lack, and hence no longer fit into their circle. This kind of exclusion may happen due to a trait or a behaviour that you display, which is majorly disapproved of by others belonging to the group. Even if you share other things in common with the individuals in the group, the perceived negative aspect is what stands out and forms the sole basis for exclusion. The impact of this rejection is the loss of social connections, growth opportunities, and a toll on mental and physical health.

Importance of Belongingness

Human beings are naturally social creatures. We have a fundamental need to form attachments and feel safe in the presence of others. This drive for interpersonal relationships has been the evolutionary basis of keeping our ancestors alive and safe, as being part of a group increased their chances of survival compared to being alone in the wild.

Over time, our biology kept positively reinforcing this drive for connection. Our nervous systems and neurochemicals evolved to reward social connection with feelings of pleasure and security. Today, even though we no longer face the same threat from our surroundings in terms of physical predators or harsh weather, we still instinctively crave nurturing social bonds for a feeling of belongingness and personal growth that happens from such interpersonal interactions.

One such benefit from being included in a group, is a deep sense of personal value that an individual may feel. This sense of value is signalled by the group by gatekeeping others from being included. It also felt internally that being chosen over other individuals validates our worth. Conversely, when we face social rejection, a sense of unwantedness or feelings of worthlessness tends to slowly creep in, painfully reminding us how deeply we are biologically wired to feel this way or maybe socially conditioned to crave belongingness.

What the Research Says

Studies show that social rejection is processed in the exact same areas of the brain that handle physical pain experienced by the body. Beyond the immediate emotional hurt experienced with social exclusion, the stress of being excluded takes a physical toll on the body, leading to poor sleep quality and a weakened immune system.

We also see that people respond to social exclusion by seeking inclusion elsewhere; many try to change their behaviours so that they will be more easily accepted. The other type of response is that many become angry and lash out at the people who have excluded them. While this is often a desperate attempt to regain a sense of control and force the inclusion that is desired, this kind of aggression sadly backfires and leads to further isolation.

Ultimately, research reveals that experiencing social exclusion causes a real shift in our perspective. The heavy negative emotions impair our ability to see the world objectively. Social exclusion affects our sense of belongingness, self-esteem, existential meaning and fundamentally distorts our concept of self. 

How to Protect Yourself

Accepting that you are not valued by a person or a group takes time, especially when you continue to feel a strong desire to be close to them and still value them. Coming to accept this conflicting view that you continue to regard them as positively while they do not, is not something to be ashamed of, nor does it reduce your own self-esteem to feel this way. Navigating this emotional conflict requires immense maturity and self-awareness. In time, as we seek and find individuals who value us for who we are, we tend to forget the appreciation and regard that we once held for those who rejected us.

What helps is being able to talk about these conflicting feelings. Both the pain of exclusion and the lingering attraction you still feel towards the ones that have rejected you. To process these feelings, being able to hear yourself talk out loud and feel understood from an outsider's perspective, can help you gain acceptance of yourself as you recover from the rejection. This can be achieved by talking to friends and family members who already understand, value, and accept you exactly as you are.

Finally, because your brain processes social exclusion like physical pain, you can treat it like a physical injury. It was found that over-the-counter painkillers can actually reduce the sting of rejection. Instead of relying on such external remedies we can turn to our internal pain relievers such as endorphins and other natural opioids our bodies produce that are released during exercise and positive social interactions.